Stars are falling all around me

I am not going to die, I'm going home like a shooting star.
Sojourner Truth

Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever. ~Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

When I don't know what to say or how to wrap my thoughts around something, I turn to quotes from those that have the ability to put words in an order that makes sense to me.  Right now I feel death is all around me and I don't know how to think about it.  I can go weeks, months, even years without death being near but lately, right now, it is every where.  From beloved animals who are furry members of our families to beloved friends that you cannot imagine not being around.  Pragmatically I know death is a part of life. One line from a poem in high school has been with me over the years, "The paths of glory lead but to the grave." Thomas Gray.  It is always in the back of my mind when I think of death, mine or of the loss of others.  It does not matter what happens in life, it all ends the same.  But it does matter what we do, how we treat others, how we love and fight and care and hurt.  My thoughts are all over the place right now.  We visited Molly yesterday.  She knew we were there but is not responsive unless it is direct questions with just a simple answer. Her friend Karen was already there visiting and had been there Monday also.  I am glad she was there because I am not sure I would have lasted very long by myself after Baylor and Lori left.  Baylor was hungry and loud and four and she groaned pretty loudly at one point so Lori took him out to grab some food and have a picnic in the car.  He does not understand and was having a rough day anyway.  Molly's sister also showed up for few minutes and I gave her my number.  No one knows how to get a hold of me and since I don't live in Lancaster, I won't see anything in the paper.  She was not able to provide much insight into anything other than with the liver not working, toxins were building up in Molly's body and brain.  They are kind enough to muddle the brain so if she was in any pain, she would really not perceive it.  She did say it may only be days until she passes.  And she has many visitors, which is a good and bad thing.  She is not getting much rest (why she needed that at this point I was not sure) but then she was not alone often either (which is a good thing in my opinion).  I wanted to tell her so much but the words really would not come.  I was able to tell her I love her but other than that, I don't know what else I said.  I know I had Baylor tell her a few things as I held her hands.  He told her about school and he told her he loved her.  She did tell him she loved him too and later after he was gone, she did ask where he was.  I don't know if it was because the room was quiet again or she wanted him around.  I was there for about an hour and Karen and I left at the same time.  Molly was asleep and I just kissed her forehead and told her I would see her soon. 

Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it. ~Alice Walker 

Or fresh lavender in Molly's case.

When I got home I picked up my phone and I had text from Tara that Caemon, a sweet little boy I only know in the blogland, had passed earlier that day.  He has been battling leukemia for months and had a relapse the end of January. I cannot imagine their pain.  I cannot imagine how they are breathing today.  I have been reading the blog posts of other moms who knew him in life and in blogging.  Friends I have on FB that I did not know were also connected to this family posted about him passing.  It just makes the world seem so much smaller reading about how his passing is effecting so many people.     

People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad. ~Marcel Proust

I hope death finishes his work around here quickly and leaves.  I know that means he will be off bothering someone else, and I really do not wish that one anyone, but I have had enough for a while. But I know this is not over, and it will never be. 



Go Ravens!

Super Bowl Sunday means a trip to Bob's for good food and some football.  I really could care less about football, but I do like food!  Bob, my work wife or the guy I have been sitting across from for 9 years, puts out a lot off delicious food and the guest bring something to add to the party.  I usually bring dessert and this year I made brownie bottom caramel cheesecake.  I did not read the recipe for the brownie part and just made it according to the back of the box.  I am not sure where my head was but it worked out OK, just not as dense and chewy as it could have been.  Baylor did not nap that day and of course fell asleep in the car on the way to Bob's, which is about 18 minutes from our house.  It did not take him long to wake up and find Maddy to play with.  They see each other once a year and don't remember each other yet but they play well together.  She turned four today February 4.  She has a little brother Steven who is two.  The two kids made up several games to entertain each other. Which was nice as I was eating smoked ribs, mac and cheese, pasta salad, and various dips and appetizers. 

 

 

Then the kids found the dog toys and brought them all to Bob's Golden Retrievers and the Pom-mix they have.  The little dog did not like the kids especially Baylor.  He also lost a finger to that nippy one but we figured out how to avoid him and all was well after that. 

 

I have never ventured into the basement so this year we went down to check it out.  Baylor was taken by the pool table and I told him he had to ask Bob if he could play with it.  Bob was at his bar serving adult beverages as it was half time which is when the shots start.  Baylor went into the bar and was so cute trying to get Bob's attention to ask him if he could play with the pool table.  Bob is a happy drunk and happily told the kids they could.  All they wanted to do was bash the balls around anyway.

 

Maddy's Dad eventually put two bar chairs next to the table so it was easier for them to gather and roll the balls. 

 

When the lights were out in the stadium and Lori was falling asleep, we headed home.  Jen from work kindly took a few photos of us in our jerseys.  I had to wear it because they were playing otherwise I don't participate in the team spirit thing.  Lori reminded me that is was the last time the Raven's played in the Super Bowl that she asked me to marry her.  While we are married in VT, maybe soon we can be married for reals in the US.  Maybe. 

 

There is Bob!  Baylor was tired and did not want his photo taken so he was fighting it the whole time. 

 

So I carried him off in he preferred method, hanging from his feet. 

 

See the little dog eyeballing Baylor?  He wanted some of him! 

 

Maddy wanted her photo taken also.  Her parents were smart and brought jammies.  Baylor was asleep before we left Bob's neighborhood. 

 

We put him on the couch while I finished watching the game. Not that I really cared but it is Lori's team.  It was a good final quarter and I was worried they would not keep their lead but they did!   I woke her up for the last 10 seconds, which in football time is about 5 minutes long. She sort of saw them win.  And then I dressed Baylor in his jammies and we all headed to bed. Baylor wore his Ravens shirt to school today and the teachers told Lori they liked his shirt. It does have his name and year of birth on the back! As does mine.  Hopefully I won't have to wear it again next year though! 

I Hurt His Feelings

I was looking at Facebook and a friend posted photos of her dog that passed on Friday.  Baylor was asking questions like who was the dog (he had meet the dog several times before) and who was that (Julie, Amy and Cullen).  I told him the dog died.  So far most of the deaths that have happened in his life have been my parent's dogs, three of them in the last two years.  My grandma died in September but he did not know her.  He went to the funeral and did not ask a lot questions.  But this time with the death of Julie's dog he started asking more questions about death.  Like, is going to die, are we going to die?  When I said yes that we would die but not for a very long time, he kept asking me again and again if we were going to die.  I held him in my arms, tears running telling him yes we all die, but not for a long time.  He pushed me away and told me I hurt his feelings and he did not want me to cuddle him.  I think he needed some four year old processing time because by bedtime, 20 minutes later, we were friends again.
This morning I got a message on FB that my good friend Molly is now in hospice.  That explains why she is not responding to my text messages this week.  Linda said they don't know if Molly has days or weeks left, she has stopped eating and she is comfortable.  I need to call Linda today and I will be taking a day off this week to go see her.  Now my feelings are hurt.   

What Was She Thinking

A few weeks ago I found this raised bed I wanted to build for Baylor's room.  I thought he would like the fort we could make like this only more boyish.  He likes Christmas lights as much as I do so I knew he would love the idea.  We are not great builders but I read over it and thought between the two of us we could handle it.  Lori apparently was not so sure and found a metal frame one on Amazon and the next week a giant heavy box was leaning against the garage when I got home.  I asked her why she bought this one and Baylor pipped up that he wanted it and he bought it.  He was stoked for it to be put together and since I knew it was not going back, I started unpacking, and unpacking and unpacking.  Black metal rods everywhere.  With these types of projects, I get put in charge.  It was like the little toy sorter cabinet she bought for him and told me I could put it together because I am better at these things. Thanks for thinking of me honey! Thankfully I have two assistants of variable abilities and equally short attention spans.  I sat on the floor sorting and gathering pieces, trying to match the little drawings with what was laying around the living room. At times I would ask for help from one of them.  Lori would give me this stare that I can only imagine she used when she was little and her mom or sisters would ask for help doing some 'girl' chore, "You want me to do what?"  I know she got out of a lot of that stuff by doing it so badly they just made her leave and did it themselves.  This also works for her at 42. Baylor kept rearranging the pieces and banging them about.  I am surprised the TV and aquariums survived. 

 

 This was the first time I was at a place to take a photo and most of the large pieces were already in his room. 

 

 

Like this.  Baylor is still wearing his nightgowns, and still rocks the pink.  I asked him what color we should paint his room.  He immediately said pink.  I may have to draw the line with that request!  I am sure Mom and I will paint the room this spring but either another teal color, a blue or tan. 

 

Baylor took a few photos and even though it is of my huge behind still wearing my work socks while also wearing my stay at home clothes, I put it on here.  I was not dressed to be photographed, I just thought it was going to be a regular evening at home. 

 

We are missing one slat but this was my view for a long time, sliding in the slats and putting little locking pieces in to keep them from sliding and gray plastic spacers.  I was able to put part of the stairs together and then the directions started to confuse me too much.  I was past my bed time and Baylor had already fallen asleep on the couch.  So I packed it up until tonight.

 

 

He crashed on the couch before I got home today and we were able to finish it in a little over an hour.  Once the bed was done I peeled off the wall saying that I put up before he was born, before I knew he was a he.  It was cute for a baby's room, but too baby and cute for a little boy's room with Spiderman sheets.  I still think he can roll out of this bed because the railings are low so when he wants to start sleeping there we may have to add an additional railing or get a thinner mattress.  I did not add the lights to the bottom because I am sure I will put up the wrong ones no matter which one I choose.  If I put up white, he will want the colors and vise versa.  I will have him pick out the lights tomorrow and we will set it up.  I guess I will be making the fort curtains soon also.  It is not my dream loft bed for him but it will be fine. 

 

I hope he likes it in the morning! 

 

In other news, the fish are doing fine.  The snails that are not supposed to be able to breed in fresh water are breeding so I am going to have to look into a snail eating fish or two.  We have lost a few other fish in the last few months but I think two had intestinal issues, one had a stroke, and I am not quite sure what happened to the glass cat fish.  I may have dumped water on her when I was adding fresh water and broke her spine or something.  She could not swim anymore and I ended her suffering by throwing her out into the snow.  It would have been pretty quick as cold as it was. 

 

 

Tomorrow is another day!  I wonder what we will be up to next!  

Snowman Birthday

We are alive and are glad we were well enough to make the trip to Lucas's Third Birthday Party.  Tara had it at Zinga's Frozen Yogurt.  We were early and after a potty stop we headed to the toy store in the same plaza to kill some time.  As we were walking by Zinga's, Tara knocked on the window.  She was getting ready so I stayed to help with the last few bits of tape and Lori and Baylor went to the toy store.  They came back with a new grabber.  His old one meet  a crushing fate in the driveway over the summer.  Tara had a cute snowman and paint chip theme going on.  She made the invitations with paint chips and created the awesome banner with paint chips.  The balloons were decorated as snowmen with snowman themed gifts for the guests.  

Since it was a long drive and we never travel with food for him, Baylor was pretty hungry by the time we arrived.  I plied him with a sample cup of triple chocolate frozen yogurt to hold him over until the party started.  He made a cute chocolate mustache with it.  

The kids were trickling in and then so did the birthday boy!  He was excited and a bit overwhelmed!  Baylor had made quick friends with Thea and they were both right there to greet him.  

And then it was off to play.  Poor Thea kept getting told by her mom to stop running and it was Baylor having her chase him around.  My quiet child has become a leader of trouble.  But I am glad he was become quick to make friends and enjoy the friendship of other kids.  

The kids were able to have as much yogurt and toppings as they wanted.  Lori and I wanted some also but neither of us reached the sweet spot weight of 13.4 or more and it would have been free!  I should  have piled some more Reese's on there!  I had a brownie bottom with cheesecake froyo, triple chocolate froyo, and red raspberry sorbet with strawberries, blueberries, mangos, chocolate sauce, Reese's.   It was delicious but the sorbets gave me brain freeze!  

Tara made the cute snowman shirt with a glue resist technique.  It turned out really nice.  

After they were done eating, Baylor and Thea played ring around the rosie several times.  Right in front of the door of course.  The poor people trying to get in to get a frozen treat had to weave their way past all the kids.  

After the behind the scenes tour, the kids were given balloons which turned into a balloon bopping festival.  Baylor was right in the thick of it of course.  He loves bopping balloons!  

I convinced Lori we could visit for a bit at Lucas's tree house and she agreed to two hours.  Charlotte was a sweet kitty of course and was strongly drawn to the ribbons from the balloons and was batting at them on the table.  Baylor loved her up and would follow her around whenever she moved.  

Tara brought out Ellefun which I have seen in the stores but never thought to buy.  But the boys had a great time catching the 'butterflies' shooting out of her trunk.  Remarkably, there was no fighting over them and they all helped pick them up each time.  

Even when Baylor was blasted with them!  Which he loved!  

Baylor asked for an apple so all the boys ended up having one also.  James, Baylor and Lucas all shared some time on the couch watching Pingo, a penguin preschooler show.  

I hinted to Tara that I would like to see Lucas open our gifts because while I knew he would not be too interested in them she would really appreciate it.  I never took a photo while I was working on it (too sick to remember such a detail) and it was after it was wrapped that I remembered I had not taken a photo of the finished piece.  

So I stole this from Tara.  I knew that she sang The Rainbow Connection to Lucas and I wanted to make him a quilt of the words to the first verse.  It was a pretty free form, organic project.  I did not plan much and just kept working on it stage by stage. And being sick for most of it, I could not think very far into the next step.  Of course there are things I would change now that I have more control of my brain but it turned out close to my vision.   I also made him six bean bags (stuffed with rice).  Lucas enjoyed them at our Halloween party and Tara had mentioned before that she would like some for him.  I also bought him a wood frame with his name carved out in the mat.  I had bought one for Baylor two years ago (I had to because how often will I find something off the rack with his name on it).  Last year I bought one for Cullen because he has the same problem. 

Around 5 we headed home as Lori has to work on Sunday.  It will be her first day back in almost two weekends.  But she needed the time off to recover.  The drive home was pretty fast for being over two hours.  We enjoyed the beautiful full moon all the way home.  Baylor fell asleep not long into the trip and slept until we pulled into the driveway.  And at 11:51, he is still awake and claiming not to be tired.  

The Plague

I was off work on Wednesday for my birthday which is when I started to feel the on comings of the plague, or flu, I am still not sure.  Thursday morning I felt worse but decided I would go in for half a day to get some work done so my back ups did not have to.  I made it to noon and left achy and tired.  I after making it home, changing in to three layers of clothes, and taking something for the aches, I tried to rest on the couch and then was forced to lay on the bed downstairs.  Baylor certainly does not understand the idea that Mommy dos not feel well, please stop jumping on me, stop spitting on me, stop yelling in my face. All things that are pretty annoying in the first place but when I feel like a bus hit me, they are even worse.  Thankfully he was OK playing downstairs with me under a pile of blankets on the bed.  I made it until  6:30 with him, until his I-have-not-napped-an-no-one-is-well-enough-to-play-with-me behavior was more than I could take, and I hauled us both off to bed.  He did protest too much for about a forty five minutes and he did fall asleep.  I did too but not for long.  I think I got about 4 hours of sleep.  I did not go to work but worked from the couch at home. I took Baylor to preschool and we had a nice quite day. It was really odd being home without him.  Lori is a great napper and she is still not over it.  I feel about 50% better today.  At least the aches, chills and sweats are over, now I am just tired.  I am not a good napper and really did not feel like napping anyway.  I picked up Baylor from school and Mary gave me her report on him.  She started his progress binder and wanted to show me where he was.  She said he is very bright, excellent memory, she only has to show him something once and he knew it.  He can identify all the letters the class is has been working up to (L) and this is only in two weeks.  We do try to work with him at home but I run into attention problems with him.  He wants to make jokes about it.  We need to work with him on coloring within the lines and learning the song the do with the alphabet sounds.  She noticed he is not playing with the other children.  He is playing beside them and not with them.  I told her that was a problem at Brenda's for a long time also.  I think he takes a while to get comfortable with new children but they are going to work with him in the new few weeks to get him more comfortable with them.  All in all it was an excellent report and made me very proud of him.

On a sad note, because life is not all happy reports and speedy recovering from the plague, Mom and Dad called last evening to tell me Newton was no longer with us.  Tuesday he had a seizure out of the blue and yesterday he was having one after another.  They, Mom, Dad, and the Vet decided it would be best to help him pass because of the uncertainty and suddenness of it all.  They did not know if he would recover and be Newton or not and with as many as he was having so quickly it did not bode well for him.  It was a hard decision for them as I know how attached they are to their dogs.  Even if they only had him a few months, they got him in November, Dad needs something to spend his time and nurturing side with. 

When I told Baylor that Newton had died, he asked why.  I told him because he was sick.  Baylor told me he was sad because he really loved Newty, and he did.  He was always very gentle and kid with him. That is three dogs gone in his short life.  Poor guy!  I am sure my parents with get another one, I just don't know when.  Dad had a knee replacement this morning and it will be a while before his up walking around again.  Their house will be very quite for the next few months!  

Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday.  I had off work for the day and planned a road trip to Ikea in Balt*imore and a pit beef place I saw on Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.  Sunday Lori told me she was getting sick and I knew then that plan was over. She is a product of her gene pool and it is not a birthday or holiday that one of them is sick or something going on.  I planned to do a bit of shopping in the afternoon with Baylor, fabric for a gift I am working on, some meds for the plague, and some groceries, and when my eyes opened in the morning and the horrid cough shook me awake, I knew that plan was nixed also.  So I spent the day trying to keep up with a four year old all the while the rest of my body was starting to feel 92 instead of 42.  My brain does not believe I am 42 and I certainly do not feel like I should be 42.  But I am and I have a blessed life with my wife, who is always going to be older than me (lol) and our beautiful son who makes all the aches and pains worth it.  And my dog, who is my first child after all.

Since I have not picked up the camera since last week and too tired to do anything about it now, no photos today.  It was not such a great day to remember anyway.  Maybe this weekend will be better.