Baby Lochlan

:Friday around 9:30 am baby Lochlan McGraw arrived in this world, healthy 8 lbs and something and 20 inches long.  He was actually born on his due date which is most unusual.  I had told Julie I was running over that weekend to give something to Cullen.  We headed over Sunday after I finished making chicken pot pie, some for them and some for Laura later in the week.  I did not know if they would be home and did not call ahead.  When we parked Julie came out and was glad to see us.  Which was good, because they had just arrived home on Saturday and I am sure having guests may not have been in their plans.  But thankfully we were able to stay a few hours and I got to hold the little guy after he had a good meal.  Just a sweet little bug and I love him!  I love all my nephews, whether by blood or friendship.  Which is apparently a good thing because Julie asked me if Gloria and I would be the boys guardians should anything ever happen to them.  I of course said yes, and I was not going to even check with her first!  It would be an honor which I hope never happens!  

The boys played and had a good time together.  

And I had a good time with Locke.  

What I had to bring to Cullen was a kindercone, which is a German tradition to give to the kids on the first day of school to help sweeten their day.  I filled it with small school items and a few treats.  The favorite was a come back ball which is a rubber ball attached to an elastic string attached to a velcro bracelet. Baylor asked if he was going to get one in his cone!  

And Cullen loved using the cone as a hat!  We stayed until after 6:00 and Baylor fell asleep on the way home.  Which was a good thing because Monday is his first day of school and he needed to get a good night's sleep. 

They are mine now

The vials are ordered and in storage.  Am I crazy?  I am 41 and would be 42 by the time a baby would come around.  I have friends my age who are grandparents for goddess sake!  I can barely move now in the mornings because of creaking bones.  But I will be in better shape by then right because in order to even try again, I have to lose weight and keep it off.  And I would go through it all to give him a sibling.


On a hopeful note, going to check out a local gym on Monday and go walking over lunch.  It will be cheaper than the shopping I tend to do at lunch now!  And I am not waiting until Monday as in the I will start Monday, we are having a business lunch today and I cannot go today! 
 
There is hope and that is what I will pin my dream on. 

She said Yes!

So I told Lori and she said Yes!  She said she could not  say no to this but it will be our last try.  I will be calling tomorrow to buy the vials and put them in storage and then get my butt off this couch! 

Don't know what to do

This must be some kind of joke being played on me by this crazy universe we live in. Last year, or even late 2010 when we were trying for another child. I put my name on a waiting list for Baylor's donor. He has been out of the program, as they call it, for years and once those 40+ vials disappeared two years ago and I bought the last 6 he has been out of stock. I was getting used to the idea of just one child because it seemed that is they way life was going for us.  The donor was gone and although we found another donor, I was not as committed to him as I was Baylor's.  When I got the last BFN and months went by without losing any weight, I put it out of my mind.  Baylor was, and is, and can be enough. 

Well, guess who called today?  The cryobank and they have 2 vials available and I have until Monday to decide if I want them.  I wanted to whip out my credit card and buy them on the spot and tell them to store them.  But somehow a level head prevailed and I said I would call by Monday.  I know I need to ask Lori about it.  I don't know what she will say. 

I know in my head, if I don't do it, this will follow me forever. I don't hold on to much, assimilate and move on is my motto. But in this case I don't think this is something I would be able to let go.  I had to try with the last vials I had and when they were gone, I was able to let it go.  Today for the last few hours, it is all I can think about.  There are a lot of things that will have to happen for me to try again and the biggest one is the hardest one for me.  Losing weight.  And that is a whole other blog post.  Or maybe another blog all together!!

What do you think about two?

I was a bit concerned about something the Dr said at the clinic on Tuesday.  I called the nurse and asked how many egglets there were on the ultrasound.  She called me back and said there were two.  I can look at this many ways. One being it can double our chance of having one baby. Second we could have twins. Third we could have twins one from each donor.  I was afraid to tell Lori because she almost passed out at our first ultrasound and they found two sacks.  The one was not viable and the other was Baylor. She took it well when I told her and I know we will be OK if any of these options occur. 

Baylor really loved his outfit this morning.  He loves my scarves. Today he threw in the sunglasses and actually kept them on all the way to the sitters.  They usually are off right after I put them on him.  I took a few pictures and then he told me that was enough. 

I can never take enough photos of him. 

Taking bets

to see who will win this race. 

So I went in for my IUI yesterday at the clinic in MD.  I had a 930 appointment and we had 6 inches of snow!  The roads were fine other than the interchanges and it only took about 20 minutes longer to get down there.  The Dr came in and verified who I was, the donor number, and vials.  Before she did it she said they were not sure if they could a second IUI with a different donor because they would not know the paternity.  I was thinking "Like we would know either?" but just said OK and let me know.  She also said it was a good cycle and I made lots of follies.  That kind of worries me and I have a call into the nurse to find out how many were there.  I don't think we are looking for multiples.  They called later that day and told me they could not do the second IUI legally and they could not return the vial for storage either. Since I am doped up on hormones I was not dealing very well with all of it.  I called my nurse at the OB's office and talked to her about it.  She did not see a problem and I asked if we could do the IUI in their office.  She said that should not be a problem and booked me in for 1:00 on Wednesday.  I love her.  Lori, Baylor and I left for the clinic at 6:15 which was pretty amazing and we picked up the case.  We even strapped it with the seat belt.  We had left my car in a parking lot along the way. She dropped me off, took the swimmers to the office, and I was only an hour late for work.  I went to the appointment and the Dr was late.  Pam and I caught up on things.  She is a kindred spirit.  I love talking with her and she always makes me feel better about things.  She had to look at the swimmers and said they are high quality top shelf stuff!  Good to know.  So now we begin the two week wait!  I will keep you posted.

I am cooked

Or so said my nurse today when she called with the results.  I have to give myself a trigger shot tonight and go to the office tomorrow and Wednesday for my IUIs.  Of course they are calling for snow tomorrow.  We have one more try with donor 2623 and decided to pick another donor and do two attempts which is what would usually do.  We are just taking our chances with who might win the race to the egg.  It does not matter if they are full siblings or half.  They will be brothers from the same mother and we will always be their mothers.  If we do it right, the kids will be all right, right?  

Road Trip

I found this little guy under the snow.  He used to be one of our jack-o-lanterns from Halloween but he is pretty much how I feel right now: pale, empty, and dried up only much plumper.  I have been pretty blue lately for many reasons. I am working my way out of it and hopefully will be my slightly brighter self soon.  

I meet a good friend from college at the Please Touch Museum in Philly on Saturday.  I have not seen her since my baby shower and as usual, we always say we need to get together soon and never did.  This time we were committed and made plans.  She lives in NJ and the muesum was a place we could meet in the middle and have something to entertain the kids.  She brought her daughters Kaitlyn and Lauren. 

On the way to Philly Baylor kept asking where we are going.  I told him we were going to Philly and he wanted to know if we were going to see Rocky.  I said we were going to a museum and he wanted to know if it was the one with the steps Rocky ran up and yelled.  Lori has an obsession with Rocky and I cannot stand the movies.  She used to fall asleep to them every night like her own special lullaby. Apparently she introduced the movie to Baylor last week so it was fresh in his memory.  He was running up the steps like Rocky in front of the museum.

The girls were very good with Baylor and I really think he should have been a little brother.  He really looks up the older kids and would follow them anywhere.  They all got a kick out of the floor piano and the one on the wall was from the movie BIG.  Even Janice took a turn.

They have smaller sections fenced off for children under three.  I saw the cow and knew this was the place for us to go.  He still talks about milking the cow at the farm show and showed the girls his milking skills. 

They are perfect models and would pose any time I pointed the camera at them.  And they are beautiful girls too! 

There is a large Alice In Wonderland exhibit and this was one of the rooms that get smaller towards the back. Lauren had to duck and Baylor looks as tall as a door.  There was a maze and a huge tree that went from the bottom floor up to the first floor with rooms on both levels. 

These are heavy plastic strips hanging from the ceiling.  He loved running through them and would disappear into them every time we were near it.  He is a good kid and never wants to be too far from me so it was good to know he would always come back to me. 

In the one room of the tree they had a kitchen set up and he was in love with the tea set and pepper shaker.  One girl had the Alice costume on and was cooking on the stove behind Baylor.  He is wearing a costume of the one of the card guards.  He did not mind wearing it and is serving tea to Kaitlyn. 

In one of other toddler areas there was a farm and two houses.  He was picking up plastic potatoes with a shovel and then we spied the mower.  And it was a John Deere one to boot! One Mom was chasing after her son and asked me to move her son was running off.  Keep in mind these areas are fenced off and employees are at the gates.  I was trying to move Baylor though a fence inside the area at the time.  I wanted to tell her I would be happy to knock down my son so she could get to hers but I just hustled Baylor a bit faster and out of her way.  Like the kid was going anywhere and he was Baylor's age so it was not like he was one or something and could not take care of himself for a second or two. 

Who knew there were scooters built for 4!

This was more my style and Baylor loved it.  It was beautiful and worth the extra three dollars for the ride. 

Of course we rode an interior horse that moved.  He was smiling the entire ride.

Towards the end he was getting tired and the wooby came out of the bag and into his mouth.  Too keep his hands free of course for other things.  This is not called the Please Touch Muesum for nothing. 

I took photos of everyone as the Statue of Liberty.  They have a huge piece of art in the center of the main hall that is the raised arm of the Statue made out of toys and this was at the bottom of the platform.  It was a good visit with my friend and I am glad we made the trip. 

In other news we are trying this month for a sibling for Baylor.  It may be our last if we go with what Lori wants to do.  I go tomorrow for an ultrasound to check if I have any egglets growing and that will be ready this week.  I hope it goes well and sticks this time.  I am not sure if I am ready to stop even though it is killing me financially. 

It is official

I had to go to MD for blood test and it came back negative.  I knew that yesterday but had to go anyway.  Hopefully we will be trying again this month but it will be our last try with this donor and then we have to find a new one at the cryobank. 

Day 26

So I took a test and it was negative which is what I thought it would be.  I know something was going on last week after the AI. Around the time the bunch of cells would be implanting, the full uterus feeling went away.  I think I am having issues with implanting because I know the same thing has happened other months we tried.  I will be looking that up today to see what I can do to help with that process.  I have a call into my nurse and will see what she says because if we try again this cycle I will be going in New Year's weekend. 
Yesterday was hard and I cried a lot in the morning.  I was so sure it had worked this time.  I know I need to be positive but we only have one try left with this donor.  I know a half sibling is just as much of a sibling as a whole sibling.  I know that.  It is just a hard dream to let go of. 
Chin up Heidi.  You have done it before and you can do it again.  

Day 23

So I am 5 days out until the end of the two week wait.  Technically I could take an EPT today but the accuracy odds are not in my favor and I know I will talk myself out of taking one when I get home.  I so want to know if it worked and I am pregnant. I also don't want to know too soon if it did not.  I know tomorrow morning I will pull out the box of tests, stare at them, put them away, and repeat on Thursday and maybe Friday.  Maybe not Friday and definitely not on Saturday. 

 So I will wait and analyze every feeling and twinge going on inside of me until I can test safely knowing the result is accurate.  And then I will post it to the world, or just to this space where it is safe. 

Day 19

I am trying very hard not to think about what may or may not be happening in my body.  I know since 4 pm on Sunday I have been aware of my uterus.  I can feel it down there and that was something that I am not usually aware of. I felt that for the first several months with I was pregnant with Baylor but I have had that feeling on other cycles we have tired and still got the periodical.  I bought a pregnancy test but I wont take it until next weekend and on the 20th I have a pregancy test at the clinic.  I will know by then but until the positive or negative, I am trying to go on with life as usual.  Or at least trying!! 

Day 14

I drove to the other office today that is an hour and a half away for a 10:30 appointment.  I now have 10 million potential baby options swimming in my baby soup I have been working on for the last two weeks.  Now we have to wait another two weeks to find out if one of the little swimmers likes eggs.  I hate waiting but it is a good thing to wait for.  And as another of the good number signs about this try is today is Baylor's original due date two years ago. 

Day 12

I had another appointment today for a scan and blood work.  The little egglet is at the right size so tonight I have to give myself a trigger shot to make it fly.  So the next big day is Sunday which will mess up my plans with Mom and since she does not want to hear about this stuff, I am sure she will be less than thrilled about why I cannot stay over.  One would think she would be happy at the thought of another grandchild but ... o well. 

In other news, Meme is here for the weekend to watch Baylor while I run to MD at gawd awful hours in the morning because Lori works on the weekend.  He woke her up to read stories and while I was doing my hair I heard the following:

Meme:  Is that a bird?
Baylor: No dats a bummy bee. Dats a bird and dats a itsy spider bird.
M: An itsy spider bird, what is that?
B: giggles

She bought him a subscription to Birds and Blooms for Christmas.  The boy loves his birds.  Last night he learned about tufted titmouse and egret.  He wanted to show them to Mama and would take the magazine and show her, dats a titmouse, dats a egret.  He was so excited about them all. 

Day 11

I had a ultrasound and blood work done again today.  There is one follicle, which is good because again not trying for my own soccer team, but it is not ready yet.  I am not too surprised, I don't usually ovulate this early in the cycle. I have to give myself another shot tonight and go back in the morning for another ultrasound and blood work to see how the little guy on the left is maturing. 

Day 9

Today I gave myself my first injection.  It is just to make the ovaries do what they need to, not to make them produce a litter of egglets. Come on baby!

Day Three

I had a baseline ultrasound and blood work today. I had to be in MD at 730 and it is an hour and 10 minute drive.  Luckily (sarcasm) Baylor likes to wake up at 4:30 so I was in good shape to get ready to go.  They called this afternoon and it all looks good to go.  I had them check for my fibroid that showed up at the end of my pregnancy and it is gone.  So tonight I start the clom.id and on the 30th I have to give myself a shot.  On the 2nd I go back to check on the follicles.  I am so excited.

Day One

Today is day one.  Not much happening other than I am excited that hopefully something will be happening this month. 

Here's Looking at you August

To my male reader and you know who you are darling, this may be a bit TMI. 

So, I have not said much about the next steps for a sibling because not much has been going on. We skipped this month because my cycle started on a Friday and I have to go to the office on day three.  That would have been Sunday.  The regular office is one hour away and the weekend office is one hour 45 minutes away and I have to be there between 7-9 am.  Since Lori works weekends I had no one to watch Baylor.  Asking a friend to wake up at 5 on a Sunday was out of the question and I would hate to think of them having to deal with a screaming, tired Baylor at that time of morning anyway.  So I just went on with my month thinking everything was fine.  I use a fertility monitor to know when I am ovulating and I have to do it whether I am trying or not.  Well, for some reason this month I never hit peak to show I ovulated and today is day 28, time for the big show to show up.  I finally hit low a low hormone level which usually happens a day or so after I peak.  Just bizarre for me since as long as I have been using the monitor this has never happened.  So since I did not start today, I could start tomorrow which would put me out again this cycle for the same reasons as last month.  But with as odd as this cycle has been who knows when it will start.
Today I decided to just wait out another cycle because of the oddness of this one and also because Lori is having gall bladder surgery next Thursday and it will be too much to combine all the running to the office an hour away for several day and taking care of Lori.  Her mom will be here to help but then I would have to explain things to her and we don't want that either.  Waiting another month would put a baby due around the last week of August.
I had two wishes when we were trying to conceive the last time.  The first was no birthdays close to Christmas.  I am a January baby and I get all my gifts for the year within 22 days.  It sucks when you are a kid.  No more gifts for another 11 months.  Baylor was due December 5, 20 days before Christmas. Watch what you wish for right?  My second desire was not to be heavy pregnant in the summer.  The weather sucks here and I just cannot imagine adding pregnancy on top of that.  Well, if we try in November and it works, the baby would be due the last week of August.  See a pattern here?  Watch what I wish for. But on the flip side of that both my parents and Lori are August babies and I am sure they would all love for a little one to join them.  So it would be a good thing.  My grandpa Resch used to live by 'Everything happens for a reason' and so it does.
Hopefully this cycle will be more normal and the next one will be fruitful. 

At least I have young ovaries

I had to change the appointment at the clinic to next week because I had too much going on at work Wednesday.  Monday I went to the OB's office for a blood draw and sign paperwork release forms so Pam could fax the information to the clinic and to insurance.  The blood draw was to check my ovary function which came back at 8 point something and anything under 10 is good.  That was comforting to find out.  My insurance called yesterday and since we have only had 3 attempts, I am cannot be deemed infertile yet.  I would need three more tries for them to cover it.  But I can dispute them and plead my case to them and see if they can change their mind.  I will call soon to initiate that.  The appointment is next Thursday so I hope things go well.